azrael living

The Burnings of an Older I

2009-01-04T04:13:00.001-08:00

So, here I am again. Its 2009 and the years just keep on scrolling, like their counter part, the wall calendar! There has been a lot on mind; yeah! you guessed it right, about me and where am I headed? Well, I really don't want to know the answer to that question, just yet.. So I will let the Calendar leaflets fly.

The thing that is bothering me right now is directions! There are plenty of ways to go about and making something out of the mess I am. I want to make myself a better me, for no one but me! Reading up on my blog, seems that I am becoming more self obsessed as time goes on by. And for one I don't like it and I am trying to change that. While I am trying to change my ways of being obsessively me, I am also trying to put together a corporate entity, which is at the brinks of a break down and by the fell of it, I think its because I have left worrying and doing anything about it! Why??? Well, thats an easy answer, no one is listening and bothered about it, So I am going to run the corporate entity as a one man show! Which would definitely become more difficult and more obsessively me, which in turn is not helping me achieve the goal of detaching my self with me! I think the word density of the word "me" in this post will be hitting the roof by now!

Funny isn't it, everytime you even begin to think that you are settling down and you are actually beginning your life and actually achieving what you set out to achieve, everything starts crumbling and even more funnier than that is, you know that it is crumbling because of you!

The whole goal here is to get to know myself and to keep a record of how I feel about things happening around me. But as far as this goal goes, I am still no where. Wonder how do other men deal with their inner beings and the chaos of a fight where they are bound, spaceless, and really do need a vacation, while everything is burning!

Burn!

Happiness's Bane

2008-11-30T12:38:00.001-08:00

Ever felt the feeling that something some where is wrong? and yet you still are happy where you are when you are? Well this is about such a feeling.

When I am down, and cranky and upset and all those adjectives that people hate to be in, I usually think of even worse situations that I might have landed in, what this does is, makes me wanna be happy. But when I am happy, chirpy and just plain old GAY[pun not intended] I feel like something is wrong and it would be stripped away from me, this doesnt make me feel more happier it just pulls me back into a sorry state of affairs. Well, atleast it used to a couple of years back. Now, I have a mantra for happiness, if you are feeling happy, think not it is not going to stay, think You can be happier! thus I think follows the pursuit of happiness which is everlasting and will never end. Mind you, don't get yourselves tangled up with mistaking happiness with luxury or richness, they are different, heck if you dont want to take my word, or even Mr. Oxford, or Mr. Webster's word for it, try it!

Becoming

2008-11-30T12:06:00.000-08:00

So its been quite a long, since I wrote last. What prompted me to write today is the fact that I remembered this whole blogging experience is more so of a release of my thoughts and it really helps me to put myself straight! I am still a teen and I got the PS2 slim, cheap titles :) Xbox has issues, any one buying it, I would suggest you go for the PS3 or buy an alienware or a console. Not that I have anything against the Xbox, it just has issues.

Anyway's coming back to the point being.... Having a decent meal in the state of Maharashtra, has become more expensive, not only they ask for money after you have finished, but while you are trying to finish your meal, the good looking, decent guys on the other table, pay their bill and shoot you down! Quite a pleasant evening for a family of four that was having dinner at a cafe in the Town side of Mumbai, where I and some friends still hangout occasionnaly. Don't even get me started on the five stars! Thier bills usually come along with bullets AND hand grenades!

"Security", the word should have a new meaning today, for all of us here in maharashtra, with people I know, scrutinizing any one and every one around them, distrusting the authorities and generally having quiter, duller evenings at home. Ask them, what can they do about it? General answer would be, apparently nothing can be done and it will ball over. So much so, that when our city burns, people would still like to get their 15 minutes of fame. Barring the politicians, since they are the lowest strata of our society and we have made them that!

Having a look at the ads on tv, about the new initiative jagore.com, where you as youth are prompted to sign up for an election card and vote, and having gone through the experience of knowing and feeling that I am no longer safe in my own city, I decide that jagore.com should change their advertising campaign to ask us NOT TO VOTE. Its all becuase of our votes, i did say, So when it comes to voting, there is not one party or organization I trust to run India, or Maharashtra! or any other state or country for that matter. What I need in India, today is someone who is more than Obama. I know its the big O is overhyped, but he is the right person to run the U.S and I am waiting for the dark knigth to take the charge here and become what is necessary to become to bring this country o' mine on the rail tracks again!

Well, I day dream about a change here, and nothing happens. I sometimes feel of starting up a stall somewhere, where people could come and register for a "not to vote" movement.. or something.. but I haven't really figured out the specs yet. So if any out there reading this rambling of mine, could give me some ideas! that would be great. Why is it that I can only write about these things and when the time comes I have nothing to do? .... Well I leave you guys off thinking what I am thinking... if not doing... How do I Change the world, today? or a better question could be Can I?

Getting Big Plans!

2008-06-05T15:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I have tried and I have tried more than enough, but for some reason only known to the pitch yielding folks downstairs, who have fiery parties every night, it seems like It never seems to happen to me! What?? is you may ask...

Well, getting BIG.... No not as in Big, Bigger, Biggest - Big if you get my drift, but getting BIG as in the movie BIG, as in BIG in the ways of the world. There is this chord in my heart that keeps strumming a tune and because of which, all my efforts to actually mature up and give up ... never wring. It just keeps me going on, and getting more younger and more "teeny", and now that I can afford to be a teen all on my own, it makes all the more sense that I do be one and act one, the only hitch here is the expectations of my folks here... which sorry to say, I never kept up to, and Happily even!!

What this all means in say about four words, is that, chuck - I am a getting an XBOX or a PS2slim .... Have a nice one folks!

Seemingly Endless

2008-03-24T15:58:00.000-07:00

Well its been, as the title says or suggests "Seemingly Endless" time since I have posted here, I dont know who reads my runts o' rants. But I love writing here for some reason. As to about my where abouts, its been a ride.

Aren't we all tired about people generally saying "its been a ride" Its always a ride. Anyways back to the subject, been in a long slow period of attenuation, may be of recovering. From What?, you ask, well from "me" - yes on this blog its always insanely about me.

Its kinda hard to believe I am so many people in one, I have so much potential in me and I see so much of potential in everybody that surrounds me today. I see so much of potential in me, that I potentially dont get around to making the potentialities kinetics! Blah, i know. But people never fail to amaze to me, they change fast and they change!

I cant say I haven't. I have changed quite a lot since I last wrote here, but I still believe in what ever is written on this blog, not that any one reads it offcourse! :P Changed how? Well I have grown, gotten new experiences, gotten to see the side of people, that I thought never existed!

Its like no matter what I do I will always be naive, lost and you know what, thats the way I like it, may be i want to stay lost! King Solomon here I come :D

Will post hopefully soon, if not soon sometime in the future, wont give up :D Have a nice one folks!

Speed Slut Time

2007-10-28T00:09:00.000-07:00

The past three months have been quite graceful. I have been away, doing my own jazz. While, undergoing a lot of blissful, slow, winter deep moments, I have realized something about Time.

I always used to fret over the fact that there is not much time to do anything. Well, yes Mr. Etherman has prooved that wrong. Like the great master mind of space and time has prooved that time simply is a relative concept. Huh? What does that mean Brain?

Well, Pinky, Time will always be relative to how you feel. Simply put, if you are feeling like crap, time passes excruciatingly, slowly as it tommorow may never ever come. But if you are having a field day, it passes as if you never had it!!! Well, that may not be fair, but none the less is the story of everybody's life.

What can you then do about it?

Well, There's not much you can do, but simply let it be and let yourself go....trust me it works wonder!

A Teaser!

2007-06-17T14:52:00.000-07:00

The innumerable wonders, among the many blunders. The already had it, blown it. The nothing to everything slot machines. The make it or break it dice rolls. The do or die roulette. Lucks parody. The Gambling Beat.

Vegas strip, Atlantic City and Life, all synonymous terms for the Great Gamble. Luck, struggle, bets, loan sharks, jackpots all variables; what makes you gamble? Its 3 a.m., I am sitting across the black jack table in one the biggest casinos on the strip. I am about to hit. The only thing I own, the only money I have, worthless green, sits on the table, in the form of chips, placed on high, the bet. There’s smoke in my face, as sweat rolls off my forehead.

The dealer across the table waiting for the words, knowing very well the house has won. Odds are against me, they are always against me. He grins.

“Hit” – I say. I have lost. There’s a smile on my face, wonder why? Maybe I knew. I borrow a cigarette from the valet and leave.

Why is it, what is it that makes me lose everything I have, why is that the crowds never learn? I am still smiling. I haven’t given up yet. I am a risky man, that inflates my ego to heights that no casino has ever reached, or a dealer has ever seen.

I head for my apartment, knowing very well that I am going to be back again. Where will I get the money from? The formidable question keeps nagging in my head. I already owe my life, worthless as it is, to three loan sharks, who, if not already, will want me dead as soon as the sun rises. That inflates my ego even more, I am a risky man. I smile.

I reach my apartment. The door is ajar. I enter.

He just shot me. My red blood is oozing out of my chest. He is gone. I have lost. This inflates my ego even higher. Why is it that you gamble?

Life’s parody.

Automatic Doors

2007-06-14T09:47:00.000-07:00

So sterling opened up again. Much has changed, but mostly, nostalgically, something’s do remain the same, thanks to the ether man or the owner, how you perceive it. A few posts are ago, I mentioned how Mumbai never had the charm of Bombay, it seems, speaking of the ether man, he does exist.

I was yeh-small, I was 7, and the first movie I ever watched in sterling was ‘Home Alone’, ironically, with the entire lot of my family. I was thrilled. I still distinctly remember the whole movie experience. I was sitting in one of the top most rows, had clear field vision of the wide screen, and was enjoying watching Macaulay Culkin doing his thing. It was the first time the entire family had gone for a movie together, normally those selfish bastards used to leave us kids alone, and I would be on the receiving end, getting myself beaten up by my elder cousin, who I used to run behind with a bamboo in my hand and used to hit her (at this point I’d like to say, Kids do not try this at home, parents do not take this lightly and this will probably get you inside a can of whole new worms, trust me on this one), on the beck and call of my elder brother, sibling politics and rivalry at its best, but who is complaining we got to go for the movie next time around, surely they dint feel like leaving us all alone again, the bamboo stick had disappeared but there were brooms around the house. Deviant aren’t I? While watching this movie I felt something, some kind of a connection with the theatre I was watching it in (psychoanalysts and shrinks please excuse). Minute by minute, I was falling in love with the place. Minute by minute it was becoming home to me. The movie sure got over, but the feeling never went away, still feel the same about sterling. That’s what this theatre is all about, experiencing the feeling, the feeling of being at home, it engulfs you. I practically grew up in sterling, watched hundreds of movies, some with family most with friends. Crisis management days, I used to step in my office, steps of this wonderful theatre, and brood over solutions. Spent my puberty there, almost lost my virginity there. :D

Well, what is really changed is, its got 2 brand new screens as an addition to an already present one. Screen two is the most funniest, it is like a space ship. If you guys haven’t experienced sterling yet, get up, and experience the old Bombay charm. If you are from the over and the there and the that side of the border(s), whenever in town, do visit sterling. It’s worth it. It’s a monument reminding you of an era gone by.

PS: It's got new automatic doors, that open if you just stand anywhere close to the door, the best part is, stand below the door for a few minutes and dry off the heat.

Quitting the haze!

2007-05-08T03:13:00.000-07:00

There are five people sitting across me. Four of them holding their thinking sticks and smoking them. They are the decision makers and the power players; at the least they are trying to be or becoming to be. I on the other hand am quiet and taking it all in; all their talks, their fibs, their jokes, their questioning stares and their much wanted unwanted smoke coming out of their mouths. There’s a golden, circular ashtray kept on the table and stubbed cigarette butts lying around the periphery like used up whores who provide cheaper thrills for 4 minutes of their unwanted circumstantial lives.

Any of them, on failing to stub and put out their cigarettes dead, the smoke still emanating from the thrown cigarette, hits my nose. My blood goes in overdrive, my brain refuses to listen, my mind frays at the edge of reason, and my senses shut down. All I can breathe is the smoke coming out of the almost stubbed cigarette. Like a reflex action my hand jumps at the availability of the lit, almost unfinished cigarette, which has to offer almost one good drag of sense into my mind, bring my brain back from oblivion and rekindle my senses again at least for the next four seconds. Inside me there is this stupid, insane, mindless, unreasonable, naïve voice, apparently it goes by the name of “Will”.

Mr. Will, a coward, who is realistically inclined and very much in a position to loose its stupid arguments with my most logical mind and technically wants to give up; for reasons beyond my understanding, cannot. Instead of taking the cigarette, holding it between my fingers and taking a drag and returning to sanity; it somehow overtakes my hand and makes my hand stub the cigarette as if to protect itself, to protect me. The stubbed cigarette now done with and very much dead, is crushed. All of a sudden there is absolute silence around me. Absolute Silence. All is Silent, all for a lousy second. Then it hits my mind like a tsunami. Wait a minute! What just happened? How did Mr. Cowardly Will become so strong in a split second????? Everybody is astonished, looking at me as if I have gone completely, raving-ly sterile.

Almost all out the five have stopped talking and smoking. Stopped whatever they were doing and are looking at me like five pimps; who have taken what Mr. Will just did, to their heart and as if they are mortally wounded by what I just did. As if my will has let them down somehow. All of them wanting a piece of me, literally, pun intended.

I on the other hand am absolutely quiet. Lost, in the past. The past – funny words.
There was a time I used to smoke at least two whole god damned packets of Mr. Bengis. I usually wouldn’t be seen without a whore between my fingers. These whores, were the only ones who could actually satisfy me, really satisfy me. So much so that my lungs would scream, yell, shout and my mind like it always has, maybe always will, wouldn’t ever listen. Everything was perfect then. It used to be a perfect world. Temptations used to whirl me around, used to make me feel somehow wanted, somehow always giddy with a silly grin across my face. My hands never used to shake. My mind never used to scream. My blood never used to want. To top it all off, Mr. Will used to never show up; all was sane, all because of Ms. Temptation. The present – a tough place to live in; gives a much inverted picture. With everybody around me smoking-ly sane, I don’t know how to handle my insanity. I am trying everything else I can,to bring it back, bring my sane mind back; a beer, a scotch, a cigar, a drive, the beach, the café, water, chewing gums, bubble gums, candy, chocolate., muffins, more food, more air, more, more, more, more of everything and anything of more. Sadly, and quiet sadly nothing comes close to a tiny fag worth 7 minutes of my so called precious life (I fail to see how at the least my life can be precious), which lasts for about 4 minutes, give or take 2.

This whole episode, has led me somewhere, a place within me, a fort named Resolve. It has profoundly made me stronger (going by the words “What hurts you, only makes you stronger” or “What makes you mad, only makes you more sane”), more un-bothering by events happening around me, more in your face types. It has also thrown questions at my weak mind; how long can I really hold my Resolve with my will?

How long, indeed?

Momento (not memento)

2007-05-05T04:53:00.000-07:00

A bunch of my friends and I had gone to this amazing place called ‘Kashid’; I had been there before, but it was their first time. Kashid is supposed to be 140 kms down south of Bombay, towards Goa. It’s a non existing village stop over. Quiet, somewhat frozen in time, clean and away. It was 6 of us traveling by road in a hired vehicle. The drive was pretty majestic, but that’s not what this is about. Read on.

The oxford dictionary defines ‘time’ as ‘duration regarded as belonging to the present life as distinct from the life to come or from eternity…’ Time for me was non existent, not to be bothered with, to be left alone, and senselessly lost.

Almost no dictionaries define the word ‘Momento’.

The time spent at Kashid was the time, which is forever frozen stored in my minds eye. Why? Well there are many reasons, perfect place to visit at the perfect time and with one big perfect somebody to be. Nope, I am not the mushy kind, well not completely, but I did have some moments in time; moments which show how one person feels about the other. It wasn’t touch and go. It was more sublime-al for me. It was there yet not there, like the sand on the beach, loose and for every hole you dig, the water covers it up. It was more of chemistry than words. It was more of looks than touch. It was more expectations than of action. And yet it was clean, profound, trustworthy, loyal, respected and one thing I would have never believed myself saying, much rather writing about it, that it was Eternal. And this time was what I have never before have had with anyone. It was and still is perfect. The astonishing part of it all was, it was least expected and I did not ever bother trying, not because I dint want to; because maybe I dint deserve it. Well I might still not, but I am the selfish kinds, so I’ll take a leap and take a chance and make a change and live. Isn’t time all about that? Funny, here you are never realizing, never surprised by anything, never feeling anything, never responsible, never worried about time, never even bothered. Poof (like using the word a lot I guess) and the next moment you realize, you are surprised by everything, start feeling, you are responsible, worried about time, bothered. Why? Because you have time, time to live it up with somebody perfect and live it up because you found and fell for somebody perfect. This trip has meant more to me than any other I have taken. It has been a wake up call. Bringing my senses back to life, back to time, back to being old me, back to being (touchwood) happy me.

For me time now is the duration belonging to my present life. During this duration, I want to feel, I don’t want to be alone anymore, I want to be responsible, I want to grow up I guess.

Excuse my most arrogant ego, I define ‘Momento’ as; ‘A point of time when life starts and you start living.’

Good morning!

Rambling Time

2007-03-06T12:06:00.000-08:00

Its March 2007, I am 23 and will be starting 24 in a months time. I am a faculty of Information Technology teaching in a college. I have found my calling, I am a teacher/professor (kinky, isn’t it….yeah baby!!!) And NO I am not afraid of growing old and wise (or not). I am afraid of the fact that being, will I ever be responsible in life? Don’t get me wrong I am trying here, but is trying the best I can do? Surely not! Although I don’t have time I always wonder one thing that being; I don’t know where time has slipped away? I still got a lot of stuff that I have to do before I hit 40 but at this pace, it doesn’t seem enough time. I am trying to learn time management, in which I suck totally. I still have to study (well I am still a student in the same college) and get my PG degree and apply for further studies. I still have to get my priorities straight. Funny word “Priority”, isn’t it? Precedence, Prudent Precedence. What and who decides what I will be doing with 2 precarious precious hours of my life. And who will decide between what I am supposed to do? And What I want to do? Up until now it’s been me, but I somehow feel that the decision making is slipping away from my hands to bureaucratic simpletons.

What reminds me of me of this happening, is a penguin in Fight Club( THE HOLLYWOOD ONE), Saying just one word “Slide”. And that’s exactly how I feel, that I am sliding, Sliding through time, time that doesn’t belong to me. The only difference being the penguin is comfortable in his natural habitat and I have lost my natural habitat completely. I don’t know where do I belong? Haha! I Know that’s the most generalist question anyone can ever ask, but at the same time I feel clueless. Clueless about what tomorrow holds for me. To top it off, my backlogging has caused this huge avalanche situation where a slight shift of weight or a slight increase of noise level will result me snowed in, bowled over with 30 feet of snow above me and to put a cherry on the cake, is the fact that the pressure is doing nothing to me. It doesn’t affect me, I have become so indifferent to things and situations around me that I don’t care anymore. Not for a soul not for soulful things. The only soul I care about is “ME” and the things that make me “SOULFUL”. I guess this is self preservation. Its funny, while growing up you swear to yourself that you’ll never become something you hate but, as you would have it you do ultimately land up in a spot where you self analyze your every move and wonder how you landed up here, where you swore you never would. Vague? I can’t help the feeling either. I am not searching for the answers. I am searching for the source of the question. It’s a tunneling effect, I guess. You just wake up everyday wondering how could this be possible, how could I be so indifferent and then next thing you hear out of you is “Naaaaah” and go about your daily about, giving hoots for people. Its as if you never give a dam about anything in your life. This usually happens when people start taking you for granted and trying to make decisions for you. That’s what makes me furious and that what makes me revolt and rebuke. I don’t regret my decisions and things I have done but at the same time I sometimes “up my ass” myself even, I don’t agree to whatever I am doing and I am trying to change that for once. That’s what salvation is for me, self-preservation, trying to make myself to listen to me. Which part of me listens me to is a completely different story for me. What am I talking about well, just the fact that, My mind is so tired of talking and not being listen to by my heart, that it has officially given up thinking. I think he is waiting for my heart to fall and crack. But secretly I wish that it never thinks again, ever again. At the same time my heart keeps falling, never cracks though knowing that it has to get up and take another blow in the face. My hearts become this sadist who eventually just loves getting punched and feel pain. A hats off to the person who said “Life is Simple”. Wish you were here, it would have been good time management beating your silly ass to simplicity. “Well if you want to kill time, try beating it to death!” Think. Avarice to do more in the time I have.

The Head Mistress

2007-02-26T01:26:00.000-08:00

This is for you, old wicker lady.

When I saw you standing thereI about fell off my chair
When you moved your mouth to speak
I felt the blood go to my feet

Now it took time for me to know
What you tried so not to show
Something in my soul just died
I see the burning rage in your blue eyes

Well, at the risk of him turning in his grave, yeah, they are the changed lyrics of one of Lobo’s songs. And, that was what was going on in my head - when I met Dr. Ms. S Anand for the first time (obviously, I am lying). Being a student in “RDN”, I had heard of the new principal, but never had seen her. I got my fair chance one day.

It was a lazy summer afternoon. I had gotten up late and the consequence was that I was late for one my English Prelim paper, I rushed to college in my pajamas (those being red checkered boxers) and my white tee. I was allowed to sit for the exam with the consequence being I would be starting the paper at the least an hour late. I gave in my paper, totally incomplete. My next paper was the one I loathed most - Hindi. I was waiting for my friend return my Hindi digest, outside his class. The professor in charge was collecting the papers. Out of the corner of my eye I saw, an old lady dressed in a whitish yellow sari, walking towards me. She stopped, and glared with all the wrath she had within her, it felt like she had stored it especially, for a day like this. I wasn’t concentrating on what she was saying, being tamed to the noise, I simply used to stand and sing a song in my head. For moments, I assumed that she was yelling because I was standing outside the class, during the examinations, but when I actually did listen, I came to know that she was actually yelling and shouting because of my pajamas. I waved my hand at her face, in a kind of “mind your own business” gesture. Yes…. I was arrogant to the heights of arrogance. I walked away very coolly, and there was crowd gathering around her, after seeing what I had done, she was taking out the angst on other students around her, telling them to dare not wear clothes like mine, while attending college. Well, in my own defense I was plain and simply - lazy, arrogant and bull-headed and besides, I really really was late for my prelims.

Seven years seems to be a very long time. And believe me they are, especially for some one studying in the same educational institution. I joined R D National college in the academic year 1999-2000. At first when I joined I was extremely skeptical of the institution. Being that age, fresh out in the last rims of the cocooned world, I expected a lot from it and not having any regrets I’ll say the college didn’t offer me much. I did not take engineering although I very well could have, simply because there was too much to study, now that I look back I laugh at myself. I have been studying for the last seven years and I am, for one, proud of it. And I always wondered what made me love knowledge and information so much. And there’s always has been one answer “R.D.National College of Arts and Commerce, and W.A.College of Science.”

When I first joined RDN as a student, Mr. Taggarse was the Head of the Institution at that time. For most of the year, I didn’t know him by face, only by his name. This was odd, since I always had a problem with the authorities. I used to care a tuppence for people who commanded me to get my homework done. So much so that when demanded their well due respect I used to walk out of the class. I don’t regret it. At the end of the same year, I was asked not give my terminal exams, thanks to technicalities called “rules” which didn’t apply to me at that age(they don’t at this age too), for my commanders in chief, required me to fall in every day and I simply would not. They asked me to “go talk to the principal”. And having one whole year on the line, I simply had to oblige. This was the first time I had met Mr. Taggarse and he being and authoritive figure I took an instant dislike towards him. I instantly put on my charming hat, which still isn’t much, and tried to coax him to let me sit for the exams. Which were starting on the same day itself. He knowing me by my reputation, didn’t warm up to the idea. But he understood that I could loose a year and finally had to cave in.

After that little episode my problems with authority increased, albeit I never had to report to the principal again, the commanders in chief always used to keep me in control. In the midst of it, I heard the news of Mr. Taggerse retiring as the principal. For once, I don’t know why but I was a little happy. I never really liked the old chap. And I really don’t know why?!!!!!!

Anyways, Coming back to Dr. Ms. S. Anand, As an outsider, still connected to the college as a student, I have seen this institution go from a gang producer to a talent pool, during her reign. The college has a face because of her and for that I will always be proud to say that I am a seagull from R D NATIONAL College. During this course of change, the college has seen many changes, to take notice of some, one is the “BlowFest” which is an annual festival, tests the college’s talent pool to its fullest, builds a camaraderie and a sense of healthy competition. It also has given a rising stage to talented artist, a start in their full of talent careers if you may. Other changes are the infrastructure, for example the auditorium, the New labs, new equipments, the conference room all a gift from her.

A salute to a Principal, who willed change and made it happen not only for the college but for us too.

White Lilly

2006-12-28T04:44:00.000-08:00

Liily is dead? Lilly is dead? Lilly is dead? ......

I am finished with James Frey -- A Million Different pieces. I admire his will. I've never been an addict; I hope I never do become one. But for some pages I really could relate to the mentioned fury, about his relationship with his parents and his Idea of all things god-ly. I myself am 23, and for reasons that I myself cannot comprehend I do feel the way he did(or does) about his parents. And I cannot imagine the loss of Lilly to him. I mean someone that actually held him through out his time at the clinic and he held her, is gone. My mind cannot digest the fact that Lilly is gone and a bow, a hats off, a dry day dedicated to him for he hasn't relapsed.

I like the fact that other than the Tao book, which thanks to this book is with me, this book rings even more true.

Here's to You James and Lilly. You are an Idol.

The city is lost

2006-12-14T00:49:00.000-08:00

There is nothing left. No aura, no aspirations, no soul. Nor does harmony exist anymore within the chaos we live in anymore. In – numerable novels, both fiction and non – fiction, articles and write – ups have been written, read and recited about the topic, it being the cityscape of Bombay (Mumbai – I hate the name, I hate everything that’s got to do with the name ‘MUMBAI’ . I want ‘BOMBAY’ back.). Apparently the dream making land of the east. Ha! (I AM being sarcastic here.)

Approximately a decade ago, I had stepped into my twilight years, everything was new the world was coming alive, I was turning 15. My cousins used to take me around town, show me places I had never seen and a face of the city I had never witnessed. It was different, from my books, my school bag, my college admissions, my whole life (up until then that is). It was a free and a wild time, with discovering the city rolled into a perfect joint. Roaming around the city on foot in the wee hours of night up until early hours of the next day. No I had better things to do like sleeping, but what better than given a chance to go around, explore (originally - what humans were (are) meant to do) and discover the land where you live. From Bade- Miah (Pronounced as ‘Ba-deh Mee-aahs’) to Burgee Pav’s; been everywhere, with almost every joint open through the night hit. It was completely astonishing, after the routines and the grime and the noise and the humidity and the pushing and the struggling and the homework and the screams, finally the city would be shrouded in a mist of silence, this spirit, would engulf almost every one. The city would be at peace, a completely different shade of a stroke from what it used to be during the working hours in the day. A time when mondie’s still served all types of alcohol and would be open much after the 1:30am deadlines. A time when organizing and carrying out a project called ‘flash mobs’ wasn’t illegal, because a group of more than 5 people could visit together any public place. I used to love this city. It was home. It was inviting, pushing, struggling, peace and comfort giving land.

But as they say, things never remain constant, since we are living in the times of change.
I too started to change my point of view, with having a love-hate relationship with this city. I started seeing another stroke of the city. It was not only inviting, pushing, struggling, peace and comfort giving land but it was also a land riddled with downfalls, faults, traps and false expectations (one can also always argue, all expectations are false expectations). The streets being a window to despair, grief, and life. Every corner of this city has a contradicting contrast.

Everyone here wants to make it big. Most of the people coming from all around India to Bombay are living on the streets. I always wonder, did they make the right decision for a few more bucks? Did they ever foresee the consequences? They sure did take a chance, to make a difference in their life, but will it ever pay off? Does it ever pay off? A city where our own police has a masters degree in Botany, Zoology, etc. does it really matter anymore? Does anything really matter anymore? I assume that, thats what they say growing up really is.

I can go on and on about how the city has changed and the city is lost. But I won’t, you can read that in the books. I guess if anyone is to be blamed, it would be me first. I never voted and when I did I just did it for the black ink spot on my finger. I will also blame my attitude towards the site and smells around me. It has become in-different and the trend is just catching up. I really really wonder will I be ever ever be able to make a change,any change, will anyone hear me, when they can turn deaf when they hear screams of in-humanity all around. Gee I really really just keep wondering a lot, don’t I?

I would also blame me for creating a politburo out of our state government. The biggest deaf ear you could find in the city is the mantralaya. The biggest blind eyes you will ever find are the courts. And the bluntest killing knife you will find are the streets. Democracy is lost, bureaucracy has replaced it and nobody wants to look for it.

Today, I look around I am overcome with feeling of utter hate for this city. I despair and loathe a spirit that has been lost, maybe forever. A charisma of bringing people from all walks of life together lost, turned into charcoal. A museum of beauty turned to boxing ring of politics and manipulators. With people around you, who don’t trust you and you can’t trust or depend on. Well life is all about changes, isn’t it? And I cannot just carry on as if this change hasn’t effected and affected me, it has. And it took 6 local trains to be blown up at the same time to revive a spirit lost for just a couple of days. I wonder again what it would take to bring the same spirit back forever. Certainly not this article, not this write, it will be read by blind eyes.

Take a look around, it is dead. Lost. Everything.

A Million Little Pieces - James Frey

2006-11-25T23:30:00.000-08:00

"...Everything goes white and I cannot breathe. I clench my eyes and I bite down on my existing teeth and I think my jaw might be breaking and I squeeze my hands and I dig my fingers through the hard rubber surface of the tennis balls and my fingernails crack and my fingernails break and my fingernails start to bleed and I curl my toes and they fucking hurt and I flex the muscles in my leg and they fucking hurt and my torso tightens and my stomuch muscles feel as if they're going to collapse and my ribs feel as if they're caving in on themselves and it fucking hurts and my balls are shrinking and the shrinking fucking hurts and my dick is hard because my blood hurts and my blood wants to escape and its seeking exit through my dick and my dick fucking hurts and my arms are straining against the thick blue bylon straps..."

"... I turn and I slowly walk away and I don't look back. It as always been a fault of mine, but it is the way I am. I never look back. Never. I move down a Hallway, gripping the side of the wall for support. Each step is more difficult than the last, each step hurts more. My face is throbbing to the rythym of my heart, the rythym of my heart is not as strong or as steady as it was. It is speeding up and slowing down, beating with irregular strength, sending sharp messages through my left arm and my jaw. It held when it needed to hold, buts it's not going to hold much longer. I'm not going to hold much longer."

"...My mind is clear and my urges are gone and my heart is beating slow nd steady. I am going to leave here and I am going to kill myself. The thought makes me smile. It makes me smile because it is sad and horrible. It makes me smile because the mystery of my death is gone and without the mystery it isnt scary anymore."

I dont think I have to explain any of the above. Sometimes......

Traffic Signals are the wierdest things!

2006-11-19T09:23:00.000-08:00

“my Friend My Friend... Are you free on Sat..Im Thinkin about Something man and i think only you will be bold enough to pull it off with me..So tell you Piece of Puke Are you Ready??”, that was what I was told by a best friend. It seemed that I was the only one with balls of steel to do that something, I was the only fool hearted, strong willed dumb head that was ready to actually pull this off with him….this guy obviously looked up to me in some weird ass way…the only catch was I was free to do this on a Sunday rather than a Saturday.

Day of the week not being an issue, we agreed to meet at his place in the after noon and take it from there. So I reach his place by late afternoon, everything is ok, as it should be, I get a warm welcome, some amazing home made cake to chew on and voila we were ready to do the deed.

He takes his keys. We get down. Walk upto the car marked with a big red capital ‘L’.

I was the only man willing and crazy enough to sit with him while he practiced his driving skills on the road in real life. Having being tutored a little by me and a lot by a very distinguished German uncle. It was an under statement that we thought he was ready.

I told him to get in the car and take it a little ahead before I sat in. I wanted to see how comfortable he was with his car. After satisfying myself and telling him that he was a little of his left side judgments. I got in his car. It was the weirdest thing. Normally I was always the designated driver, and suddenly things have changed. I am in the passenger sit next to him and feeling proud of him driving like a big brother, him the being the little one :D.

And so started a journey to be never forgotten, his first drive around the beautiful city of Mumbai. At this point I would like to point out that the beautiful part consists of the roads being completely empty and devoid of any and all rickshaws, they are like little pests scurrying around and wrecking havoc in the city.

We were out in the open, we were out on his first drive out, and then we came to a stop. We were at his first ever traffic signal. Sitting in the drivers seat he asks me how do you come to know when is one suppose to stop and when is one suppose to move ahead. I explain the whole concept of the red and green lights. And we are moving ahead, we had to make a pit stop at the fuel pump, where instead of opening the fuel lid he opens up the hood. Next thing we know we are driving down to the suburbs for a cup of coffee.

The next signal we stop at he mutters an insightful little statement that never occurred to me, he sits and stares at the signal, saying “You know man, traffic signals are the weirdest things….How on earth am I suppose to know when to stop and when to go?....”
PS: we found this rickshaw with a sign saying “TOO FAST TOO FURES” (rickshaw=three wheeler pests)

Metamorphosis

2006-11-02T18:02:00.000-08:00

Ever had the bigger note? Yes? Then you know how it feels when you need some change you don’t get it. The thing is everybody wants change. Everyday you wake up from bed, go through your normal routine, which goes something like this - brush, shit, bathe, go for work / lectures / school / cook whatever, eat lunch, continue to work / attend and so on and so forth. Everyday, it’s the same old world, same old story, same old people, same old activities, same old you, same old same old. It really gets tiresome doesn’t it? Is there an escape? Is there a way out? Is there an underlying possibility that something or maybe everything will be different? Yes! Yes! Yes! Well, otherwise why do you think I was asking all these questions? Anyways, there is a way out, there is an escape, there is something that makes you do all that you routinely do, its a small faith, call it "hope for change". It’s something like this, every morning you get up, thinking or hoping that you will get something you want, you will do something you want and you will go somewhere you wanted to. But as with most cases you land up doing what you were supposed to do instead of what you were hoping you'll do. Confusing, isn’t it? Well, agreed that this is not always true, it can’t be. There is always a part of us thinking and hoping for some kind of rescue, for some kind of change. And more often than not, there is. And what and how you feel when you get that change? When you get that escape? Relieved? Pained? Something’s missing? Happy? Sad? High? Low? It all depends on the type of change. Yes its official, there are types of changes too, a caterpillar changes into a butterfly – the beautiful kind; you are playing golf and it starts to rain - the low kind, you just came to know that you are gonna have a baby, well here we go, its the high kind, and so on. Everyday, you try to change yourself, either trying to make oneself better or trying to make oneself worse, well which ever it is, you as a person try to grow in terms of change, in terms of becoming a valid, understanding, full of wants and full of expectations Human Being, alternatively, in terms of strong, childish, immature, going back to roots, Human Being. One thing is with Humans that is very common is that they tend to change. The change is not just superficial, it covers all, the body, the thinking, the mentality, the trust, the love, the priorities, the economics, the views, the places, and more. It’s a topsy turvy when you come to think of it, its like you are not constant, you are this one person standing in the world, and the world is changing and changing you with it. Its complex, yet simple, it’s easy, yet hard, it’s a mixture, its change. And what factors influence you to change? All these factors and reasons can be summed up in one single word which is mostly defines life – ‘Experience’. You fall, you get up, walk again and try not to fall again because the last time you fell... gee it really hurt. This event changed your whole life, this little un-consequential event changed you, changed your point of view. And now imagine how vulnerable one is to change. How weak is one towards change. How much do you avoid changing? Everything changes, everything around you, everything in you, and so do you. And this truth, this revelation is constant. This change is constant. "Nothing is Constant except Change."We all know this quote, we all know or assume to know what this quote is suppose to mean, we all know what are its implications, or do we?

A perfect gift

2006-09-24T00:39:00.000-07:00

This is a gift from one of my students given to me for teacher's day. Its an exact sketch of me, much more in the cartoon arena, but definitely me. its amazing and wonderful. thanks to moosa.

The first teachers day

2006-09-18T05:58:00.000-07:00

I have been a student all my life, still am. But this time something’s changed, something I thought I never do, have I done. Something that I never thought I could become or had it in me to become, have I become. It’s all too weird and comes all too easy, as if I have found something that has lifted this weight off my shoulders, as if this something has given way in me and a realization has struck like a lightening bolt from great Zeus himself. I am dragging my ass aren’t I?

Well, my life has take a very steep turn, and I have every right to drag it this long, I have become a teacher, a person who imparts education to a mass audience, something I never thought of doing, never thought of becoming, and in a very weird manner it feels like home, I am teaching in a suburban college, the same subjects that I was thought.

The reality is, reality and gravity struck me pretty late. When?

Well, 5 September, 2006. Teacher’s day. I wasn’t expecting anything out of the students, right fully so, dint get anything, but the college had different plans, it had newly got a students council and they decided to give us (teachers, realization started striking at this point) a first ever teachers day celebration thingie, first ever in the 14 year history of the college(college is actually older, but most the professors I know are teaching since that long, so an assumption I made on their behalf).

I was totally unawares. I was taking lectures, teaching as usual, until my colleague came and told me give an off to the whole class, upon asking he smirked and said teachers day celebrations, so I did, he also mentioned every faculty in the college would be there. I went along.

Boy! When I entered the meeting area, the badminton court, I was in for a surprise; actually in reality all the faculties were there, including the principal. And this was the point when a thought struck me, almost 70% of the people had thought me at some point or the other in my 7 year history with the college, and now as a member of that clan This article is a salute to all the teachers, professors and faculty and academic members of the teaching institutions around the world.

All said and done, it still feels like I am student, still learning something new every day.

Have a nice one.

Nice Legs I Say

2006-09-09T09:08:00.000-07:00

Sitting and talking to a best friend over a table of grilled beef chilly sandwich and bacon burger, and a mug of daft beer, it’s hard to concentrate to what & where exactly the conversation is going. Why? Well thats because of a pair of amazing legs, who walked in 15 minutes a go and is sitting right across you showing her legs off.

It’s like the biggest tease ever. These long calf-length boots, knee short black skirt. What does all this mean and lead to, nothing but anything your imagination can conjure up, say a Goth chick with the same boots and skirt with black make-up, black-lipstick, black-mascara and black nail polish, its like the perfect black rose, at the least in your eyes of imagination.

Don’t get me wrong I am not voyeur although the prospects seem very lively and amazing and imagination does numbers on me, but at the end I have to go home to my lovely lady. The photograph is credits of my best friend. See what I mean ;) .