A Million Little Pieces - James Frey

"...Everything goes white and I cannot breathe. I clench my eyes and I bite down on my existing teeth and I think my jaw might be breaking and I squeeze my hands and I dig my fingers through the hard rubber surface of the tennis balls and my fingernails crack and my fingernails break and my fingernails start to bleed and I curl my toes and they fucking hurt and I flex the muscles in my leg and they fucking hurt and my torso tightens and my stomuch muscles feel as if they're going to collapse and my ribs feel as if they're caving in on themselves and it fucking hurts and my balls are shrinking and the shrinking fucking hurts and my dick is hard because my blood hurts and my blood wants to escape and its seeking exit through my dick and my dick fucking hurts and my arms are straining against the thick blue bylon straps..."

"... I turn and I slowly walk away and I don't look back. It as always been a fault of mine, but it is the way I am. I never look back. Never. I move down a Hallway, gripping the side of the wall for support. Each step is more difficult than the last, each step hurts more. My face is throbbing to the rythym of my heart, the rythym of my heart is not as strong or as steady as it was. It is speeding up and slowing down, beating with irregular strength, sending sharp messages through my left arm and my jaw. It held when it needed to hold, buts it's not going to hold much longer. I'm not going to hold much longer."

"...My mind is clear and my urges are gone and my heart is beating slow nd steady. I am going to leave here and I am going to kill myself. The thought makes me smile. It makes me smile because it is sad and horrible. It makes me smile because the mystery of my death is gone and without the mystery it isnt scary anymore."

I dont think I have to explain any of the above. Sometimes......

Traffic Signals are the wierdest things!

“my Friend My Friend... Are you free on Sat..Im Thinkin about Something man and i think only you will be bold enough to pull it off with me..So tell you Piece of Puke Are you Ready??”, that was what I was told by a best friend. It seemed that I was the only one with balls of steel to do that something, I was the only fool hearted, strong willed dumb head that was ready to actually pull this off with him….this guy obviously looked up to me in some weird ass way…the only catch was I was free to do this on a Sunday rather than a Saturday.

Day of the week not being an issue, we agreed to meet at his place in the after noon and take it from there. So I reach his place by late afternoon, everything is ok, as it should be, I get a warm welcome, some amazing home made cake to chew on and voila we were ready to do the deed.

He takes his keys. We get down. Walk upto the car marked with a big red capital ‘L’.

I was the only man willing and crazy enough to sit with him while he practiced his driving skills on the road in real life. Having being tutored a little by me and a lot by a very distinguished German uncle. It was an under statement that we thought he was ready.

I told him to get in the car and take it a little ahead before I sat in. I wanted to see how comfortable he was with his car. After satisfying myself and telling him that he was a little of his left side judgments. I got in his car. It was the weirdest thing. Normally I was always the designated driver, and suddenly things have changed. I am in the passenger sit next to him and feeling proud of him driving like a big brother, him the being the little one :D.

And so started a journey to be never forgotten, his first drive around the beautiful city of Mumbai. At this point I would like to point out that the beautiful part consists of the roads being completely empty and devoid of any and all rickshaws, they are like little pests scurrying around and wrecking havoc in the city.

We were out in the open, we were out on his first drive out, and then we came to a stop. We were at his first ever traffic signal. Sitting in the drivers seat he asks me how do you come to know when is one suppose to stop and when is one suppose to move ahead. I explain the whole concept of the red and green lights. And we are moving ahead, we had to make a pit stop at the fuel pump, where instead of opening the fuel lid he opens up the hood. Next thing we know we are driving down to the suburbs for a cup of coffee.

The next signal we stop at he mutters an insightful little statement that never occurred to me, he sits and stares at the signal, saying “You know man, traffic signals are the weirdest things….How on earth am I suppose to know when to stop and when to go?....”
PS: we found this rickshaw with a sign saying “TOO FAST TOO FURES” (rickshaw=three wheeler pests)

Metamorphosis

Ever had the bigger note? Yes? Then you know how it feels when you need some change you don’t get it. The thing is everybody wants change. Everyday you wake up from bed, go through your normal routine, which goes something like this - brush, shit, bathe, go for work / lectures / school / cook whatever, eat lunch, continue to work / attend and so on and so forth. Everyday, it’s the same old world, same old story, same old people, same old activities, same old you, same old same old. It really gets tiresome doesn’t it? Is there an escape? Is there a way out? Is there an underlying possibility that something or maybe everything will be different? Yes! Yes! Yes! Well, otherwise why do you think I was asking all these questions? Anyways, there is a way out, there is an escape, there is something that makes you do all that you routinely do, its a small faith, call it "hope for change". It’s something like this, every morning you get up, thinking or hoping that you will get something you want, you will do something you want and you will go somewhere you wanted to. But as with most cases you land up doing what you were supposed to do instead of what you were hoping you'll do. Confusing, isn’t it? Well, agreed that this is not always true, it can’t be. There is always a part of us thinking and hoping for some kind of rescue, for some kind of change. And more often than not, there is. And what and how you feel when you get that change? When you get that escape? Relieved? Pained? Something’s missing? Happy? Sad? High? Low? It all depends on the type of change. Yes its official, there are types of changes too, a caterpillar changes into a butterfly – the beautiful kind; you are playing golf and it starts to rain - the low kind, you just came to know that you are gonna have a baby, well here we go, its the high kind, and so on. Everyday, you try to change yourself, either trying to make oneself better or trying to make oneself worse, well which ever it is, you as a person try to grow in terms of change, in terms of becoming a valid, understanding, full of wants and full of expectations Human Being, alternatively, in terms of strong, childish, immature, going back to roots, Human Being. One thing is with Humans that is very common is that they tend to change. The change is not just superficial, it covers all, the body, the thinking, the mentality, the trust, the love, the priorities, the economics, the views, the places, and more. It’s a topsy turvy when you come to think of it, its like you are not constant, you are this one person standing in the world, and the world is changing and changing you with it. Its complex, yet simple, it’s easy, yet hard, it’s a mixture, its change. And what factors influence you to change? All these factors and reasons can be summed up in one single word which is mostly defines life – ‘Experience’. You fall, you get up, walk again and try not to fall again because the last time you fell... gee it really hurt. This event changed your whole life, this little un-consequential event changed you, changed your point of view. And now imagine how vulnerable one is to change. How weak is one towards change. How much do you avoid changing? Everything changes, everything around you, everything in you, and so do you. And this truth, this revelation is constant. This change is constant. "Nothing is Constant except Change."We all know this quote, we all know or assume to know what this quote is suppose to mean, we all know what are its implications, or do we?