Its March 2007, I am 23 and will be starting 24 in a months time. I am a faculty of Information Technology teaching in a college. I have found my calling, I am a teacher/professor (kinky, isn’t it….yeah baby!!!) And NO I am not afraid of growing old and wise (or not). I am afraid of the fact that being, will I ever be responsible in life? Don’t get me wrong I am trying here, but is trying the best I can do? Surely not! Although I don’t have time I always wonder one thing that being; I don’t know where time has slipped away? I still got a lot of stuff that I have to do before I hit 40 but at this pace, it doesn’t seem enough time. I am trying to learn time management, in which I suck totally. I still have to study (well I am still a student in the same college) and get my PG degree and apply for further studies. I still have to get my priorities straight. Funny word “Priority”, isn’t it? Precedence, Prudent Precedence. What and who decides what I will be doing with 2 precarious precious hours of my life. And who will decide between what I am supposed to do? And What I want to do? Up until now it’s been me, but I somehow feel that the decision making is slipping away from my hands to bureaucratic simpletons.
What reminds me of me of this happening, is a penguin in Fight Club( THE HOLLYWOOD ONE), Saying just one word “Slide”. And that’s exactly how I feel, that I am sliding, Sliding through time, time that doesn’t belong to me. The only difference being the penguin is comfortable in his natural habitat and I have lost my natural habitat completely. I don’t know where do I belong? Haha! I Know that’s the most generalist question anyone can ever ask, but at the same time I feel clueless. Clueless about what tomorrow holds for me. To top it off, my backlogging has caused this huge avalanche situation where a slight shift of weight or a slight increase of noise level will result me snowed in, bowled over with 30 feet of snow above me and to put a cherry on the cake, is the fact that the pressure is doing nothing to me. It doesn’t affect me, I have become so indifferent to things and situations around me that I don’t care anymore. Not for a soul not for soulful things. The only soul I care about is “ME” and the things that make me “SOULFUL”. I guess this is self preservation. Its funny, while growing up you swear to yourself that you’ll never become something you hate but, as you would have it you do ultimately land up in a spot where you self analyze your every move and wonder how you landed up here, where you swore you never would. Vague? I can’t help the feeling either. I am not searching for the answers. I am searching for the source of the question. It’s a tunneling effect, I guess. You just wake up everyday wondering how could this be possible, how could I be so indifferent and then next thing you hear out of you is “Naaaaah” and go about your daily about, giving hoots for people. Its as if you never give a dam about anything in your life. This usually happens when people start taking you for granted and trying to make decisions for you. That’s what makes me furious and that what makes me revolt and rebuke. I don’t regret my decisions and things I have done but at the same time I sometimes “up my ass” myself even, I don’t agree to whatever I am doing and I am trying to change that for once. That’s what 
salvation is for me, self-preservation, trying to make myself to listen to me. Which part of me listens me to is a completely different story for me. What am I talking about well, just the fact that, My mind is so tired of talking and not being listen to by my heart, that it has officially given up thinking. I think he is waiting for my heart to fall and crack. But secretly I wish that it never thinks again, ever again. At the same time my heart keeps falling, never cracks though knowing that it has to get up and take another blow in the face. My hearts become this sadist who eventually just loves getting punched and feel pain. A hats off to the person who said “Life is Simple”. Wish you were here, it would have been good time management beating your silly ass to simplicity. “Well if you want to kill time, try beating it to death!” Think. Avarice to do more in the time I have.
What reminds me of me of this happening, is a penguin in Fight Club( THE HOLLYWOOD ONE), Saying just one word “Slide”. And that’s exactly how I feel, that I am sliding, Sliding through time, time that doesn’t belong to me. The only difference being the penguin is comfortable in his natural habitat and I have lost my natural habitat completely. I don’t know where do I belong? Haha! I Know that’s the most generalist question anyone can ever ask, but at the same time I feel clueless. Clueless about what tomorrow holds for me. To top it off, my backlogging has caused this huge avalanche situation where a slight shift of weight or a slight increase of noise level will result me snowed in, bowled over with 30 feet of snow above me and to put a cherry on the cake, is the fact that the pressure is doing nothing to me. It doesn’t affect me, I have become so indifferent to things and situations around me that I don’t care anymore. Not for a soul not for soulful things. The only soul I care about is “ME” and the things that make me “SOULFUL”. I guess this is self preservation. Its funny, while growing up you swear to yourself that you’ll never become something you hate but, as you would have it you do ultimately land up in a spot where you self analyze your every move and wonder how you landed up here, where you swore you never would. Vague? I can’t help the feeling either. I am not searching for the answers. I am searching for the source of the question. It’s a tunneling effect, I guess. You just wake up everyday wondering how could this be possible, how could I be so indifferent and then next thing you hear out of you is “Naaaaah” and go about your daily about, giving hoots for people. Its as if you never give a dam about anything in your life. This usually happens when people start taking you for granted and trying to make decisions for you. That’s what makes me furious and that what makes me revolt and rebuke. I don’t regret my decisions and things I have done but at the same time I sometimes “up my ass” myself even, I don’t agree to whatever I am doing and I am trying to change that for once. That’s what 
salvation is for me, self-preservation, trying to make myself to listen to me. Which part of me listens me to is a completely different story for me. What am I talking about well, just the fact that, My mind is so tired of talking and not being listen to by my heart, that it has officially given up thinking. I think he is waiting for my heart to fall and crack. But secretly I wish that it never thinks again, ever again. At the same time my heart keeps falling, never cracks though knowing that it has to get up and take another blow in the face. My hearts become this sadist who eventually just loves getting punched and feel pain. A hats off to the person who said “Life is Simple”. Wish you were here, it would have been good time management beating your silly ass to simplicity. “Well if you want to kill time, try beating it to death!” Think. Avarice to do more in the time I have.
2 comments:
the most meaningful post i have ever read...really really wonderful...keep 'em comin
there is someone to whom we owe our existence, it may not be someone real, but thts the one who makes us move.
and who's the one tht makes u move, ur mind, or ur brain?
we r merely the toys with whom time is & only time is allowed to play!
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